I bet you had NO IDEA......

I LOVE CHRISTMAS!
It really is no secret..

Christmas just holds a special place in my heart.... and if you remember... from this post.... I have had my "break-down" years.... FALL apart years.... FORGET IT years.... just plain and simple... BAH-HUM-BUG years....
Years that I just wanted to SLEEP through it - forget it - and just move on... I would literally get ILL whenever I heard a Christmas song... and if any one even MENTIONED the word CHRISTMAS...  I would have panic attacks just walking into a store and see Christmas decorations... if really FREAKED me out... I just did NOT enjoy even the slightest THOUGHT of Christmas.... HOW SAD! I had truly LOST the TRUE meaning of Christmas.... the SPIRIT of Christmas... All I could think about was HOW many gifts I needed to have for people that were EXPECTING gifts from us... How much money we DIDN'T have.... and how LITTLE (if anything at all) I could give to the people I really WANTED to give to! 

I'm so GLAD that I am NOT there anymore! 

I am OH SO GLAD that I finally took a break....
Paused in life...
And FOUND the TRUE meaning, REAL spirit, of Christmas again!

It's not about the gifts....
or the shopping...
or the decorating....
the parties....
the food....
or even friends....
OH, don't get me wrong....
Those "pleasures" are all GOOD and ADD to CHEER to the holiday season...

BUT

It just isn't what Christmas is really about!

Christmas is so much more.

Christmas to me means striving to become more like Christ... every day... in every action.... in everything that I do.  It means to be more giving, more kind, more generous, more patient, more tolerant, more accepting, to simply become more CHRIST like... in everything I do... and... it is something that I have been striving (and I'm sure I'm even failing at) to become through out the entire year, not just during December.

There are times that I have found Christmas enjoyable... times when I have not enjoyed it... times when I WISH for MORE time (because I don't get what I want done .. DONE!).... There have been years that I have gotten caught up in the "worldly" Christmas... and then there are the Christmas's that I have been truly touched... truly reminded of the true meaning of Christmas.  The excitement... the enjoyment... the calmness... the love... and honestly - those are the years that I have TRULY enjoyed Christmas...

For the past couple of years, I have really, I mean REALLY struggled to find enjoyment in the season, when we have been strained tremendously...both financially and in health.  We have struggled, as I'm sure many of you have as well.  As I look back... even just minutes after the "evidence" of Christmas morning are all scattered on the family room floor.... the evidence that the Jolly Ol' fellow made his stop at our house.... that I have been completely overcome with the "WHAT THE HECK WAS I STRESSING SO BADLY ABOUT" feeling came rushing to the surface... Have you ever felt like that?  I think I have put SO MUCH pressure on myself to have "THE PERFECT" Christmas morning.... that I have forgotten what it is truly about.  There are days when I just HATE being a perfectionist!  IT STINKS! because... nothing is EVER perfect! EVER!  I can find SOMETHING wrong in EVERYTHING that I do!  and in EVERYTHING that I say... WHY? oh why do I do that to myself... why?

But I have decided that I need to make CHRISTMAS become a part of my every day life.
Secretly - I listen to Christmas music for a few minutes every day - all year long.
Yeah - sometimes I get caught - but i don't care anymore.
It brings that "excitement" to my heart.
It helps me stay focused on "who" I am trying to become.
WHO I want to be every day - not just a day or two - or even 30 days out of the year.
I want to be more Christ like - every single day.
I really have a lot of work to get there - but I'm trying.

Yes - it has been a while... OK A LONG while since I posted on my blog - I'm sure that IF there is anyone that still follows my blog has pretty much decided - I've given up....
I haven't - I have wanted to update for so long - but... things have been a little CRAZY around here - and because of that craziness.... I NEARLY lost what I had been striving for all year...
the TRUE meaning of Christmas.

I started out with good intentions - you know - to get DONE before my dead line of Oct. 31...
BUT my husband, once again had different plans for us.
I did manage to get my "homemade" Christmas done for my the married kids... Not so sure that they were very impressed... but I did get bottled salsa, peaches, pickles, and tomatoes done...
Then I managed to get 48 containers of freezer jam - strawberry of course - completed... ordered the "honey" that they all said they would NEVER eat and it has become their FAVORITE!
And...that's where I ended... that's where life took a twist of events and I lost my momentum!

On October 4 we went in for what we "thought" was a routine doctor appointment for my Mister...
(the heart doctor) which turned into being referred to another doctor who only had an opening on the 9th - so we took it - which led to being in the hospital on the 11th at 10:00 am for an angiogram - and potential "angio-plasty" IF they thought they could fix things, but was most likely leading to open heart surgery on the 12th.... (which was our 29th anniversary I will add :)) ... and YEP!  Because we don't do things like everyone else, he ended up have quadruple bypass open heart surgery on the 12th.... we spent the next 4 days in TICU then the next 3 days on the med-surg floor... came home on the 18th about noonish or so only to discover that my washer was feeling neglected and decided it to needed some sort of open tub surgery - and exploded all over.... mind you with loads and loads of laundry to do - because we came home to a house filled with sick people....That was not on the plan... and there went all "Christmas Spirit" out the door!
Next, 8 weeks of no driving for my Mister... which meant that I was not only full time mom again - getting kids to school - but full time working mom clear across town... (a 3 hour daily commute)... it was a challenge - but we managed - and before I knew it - it was mid December... and I hadn't done NOTHING since September!  AGH!

So, you guessed it - Christmas Spirit was a bit deflated!  All my "good intentions" were washed out the door, everything I dreamed about doing during December - was not done!

Instead - everything I DIDN'T want to do during December was done..... including shopping! 

I spend Dec. 22, (which also was My Mister's birthday) shopping with all the other CRAZY people and hated....every....single....minute of it! 

I was such a SCROOGE!

I didn't want to be shopping this day! 

I didn't want to be out at all this day!

I wanted to spend the day just being with my Mister and kids! 

ENJOYING it! 

Not running around like a crazy, wild woman in the snow with the other 5 million people! 

I didn't! 

But there I was.... doing what I was NOT going to do!

I was so depressed. 

It was not fun at all.

I was stressed.

We had received "THE BIG" hospital bill earlier that week, and I just didn't want to open it...

the other 5 had already stressed me out... 

but for some reason, I opened it that morning .... 

and that just set me in a tail spin.

So while I was shopping all I could think about was how broke we were.... 

How were we EVER going to pay off these darn medical bills...

How my kids had nothing.

How disappointed they were going to be.

How disappointed "I" was.... 

Why oh why - did I do this to myself...  WHY!?!?!

Oh well.... it was what it was...

DEPRESSING.

The next few days were just frustrating.

I was a basket case.

I spent the next 3 days doing exactly what I SWORE I would never do again! 

CRUNCHING! 

I was up til 3 or 4 am and slept for a couple hours then back at it - 

and my house was a MESS - 

LIFE was a mess! 

I WAS A MESS! 

We had a very "meek" Christmas - and my kids don't really expect much - 

but more than what little gifts they had to open - 

it was the let down that we hadn't done the things I had wanted so badly to do.

Like - 

See the lights

Have our cookies, milk and movie night 

Make gingerbread houses

Do the 12 days of Christmas for a family or two 

Have our "baking" day 

Go to ZOO-Lights

Sledding 

I just felt deflated.

So much I "dreamed" of doing...

and I failed again! 

I let the family down again! 

And... I was missing my grand-babies! BADLY!

We did manage to do a little "candy making"

We did have our Family Night of "RACK'ed"

(Random Acts of Christmas Kindness)

We did have our Night in Bethlehem

But that was IT! 

My Favorite Things boxes were BORING this year! I was so drained, I couldn't even think about them... and I really think that was the BIGGEST let down for my kids... 

So... It has to happen next year - it just MUST! 

Not one gift was wrapped and under the tree - before 3 AM Christmas morning! 

Not MANY gifts were completed for that matter! 

This mom was POOPED! Plain old POOPED!

So guess what! 

There are 357 days until Christmas 

And guess what I have already done for next year! 

I've made a BETTER plan! 

And by DARN! I'm sticking to it! 

I hope you will all help me STICK TO IT! 

PLAN:

The 4th Saturday of every month is being dedicated to "HOMEMADE GIFTS" and PROJECTS!

My budget it already set 

My list of GIFTS for the kids is already made

My action plan for purchasing the items needed to make the gifts is written

AND.... my deadline is set AND I'm not telling anyone! 

Especially not my Mister! :)

All for good reasons..... 

I'm open for suggestions too - 

so if you have ANY ideas or suggestions that help you - 

PLEASE - share them! 

I'm so open! 

Here's to 2013! 

It's gonna rock.... right???? 

 Happy New Year Everyone!

Be SAFE!

Baby it's getting HOT in here.....

I am finding it really HARD to get my Christmas Spirit on... when there are so many FIRES burning around us....

Last Friday afternoon, one of our agents was looking out his office window and I heard him say "Well, looks like we have some mighty dirt devils funneling around the south end of the valley"....(I find him quite funny as every phone call he takes, he usually gives a "weather" update, so I never really have to wonder what is happening on the outside world, he keeps me informed as well :)), and he continues, "oh, and it looks like there is another fire on the Rose Canyon Mountain."   I rushed to his window (and yes! I had to look out. and YES I was getting rather nauseous..16 floors up! I tried REALLY hard not to think about it! I have avoided these windows for 6 months now!) but there it was some 40 miles away - a fire! 

 I watched for a few minutes and soon it was a HUGE fire!  I tried calling home. No answer.  5 times!  COME ON PEOPLE! ANSWER THE PHONE!.... agh! FINALLY someone called me back - and yes - there was fear in my children and my husband as well - as the fire "seemed" closer to them, than the fire we experienced nearly 2 years ago - and it was started lower in the valley this time, not along the mountain ridge as it was last time.  Needless to say - I FLEW out of work! 

 (I hope I put everything away.... oh well - too late if I didn't)

These photos, just break my heart. 

I can't EVEN imagine what I would do, if in their shoes.

Cry.  Very hard I'm sure.

OH. MY. HEART. 

This makes my stomach hurt. 

My heart ache.

I just can't even fathom.

We are safe.  Although nearly 900 homes were evacuated - most as a "pre-caution" in case the winds decide to pick up and change direction - overall 11 structures/cars were destroyed in all .... 350 acres burned thus far...SO SAD!  My heart just goes out to them.

Then, 4 days later - another fire breaks out - just across the other side of the valley - and 500 MORE homes evacuated! MORE families displaced!  More homes in danger... it is becoming very hard to be excited for FIREWORKS! It's actually terrifying me... 

(This is the Draper Temple, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, Draper Ut.0
 (The fire is just on the other side of the mountain - but trying the sneak it's way over the ridge....)

Fire. It has it's place. And it's time. Now, well it is just not the time, nor the place. I prefer it in a fireplace.... controlled..... when it is snowing outside and keeping me warm inside. Not now. Not in the HOT HEAT. Not out of control. NOT THREATENING people, homes, livestock, and wildlife. So sad. 

 This is when a FIRE is NOT welcome!  I'm sorry.

 Here is  a "small" aerial shot of "after" effect.

Firefighters did an AMAZING job at containing the fire.

Hard to imagine we only lost 4 homes with this OUT OF CONTROL fire.

My heart goes out to all those that lost their homes, cars, livestock, fences.... 

My prayers go out to all those involved.  

INCLUDING the firefighters!

They have been working NON-STOP for what seems like months. They are exhausted. They are tired. They are HOT! Their families are missing them. THEY are truly hero's who put their life on the line of duty every single minute.  I thank you and pray for you all! 

Praying for...

 No wind. 

Rest for the firefighters. 

People to be SMART about FLAMES

. And mostly praying for the safety of all involved.... 

Families, emergency personnel, animals.... 

and for GOD to bless the USA! 

There is tragedy all around.... 

Please, bless us all. Everyone. Everywhere. 

 Pictures from Herriman City, KSL News and friends.... 

(I would post MY pictures - but someone, somewhere, somehow

 has borrowed, mis-placed or stolen my camera cord! GRR!)...

Adjusting... isn't always easy....

Let's just say...

I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THE PAST 5 MONTHS HAVE GONE!

Could I please get them back??? Paaaallllleeeeeeeaaaaassssssseeeeee???

So much has happened on one hand and yet on the other ... NOTHING!

I'm such a slacker!  I'm so EXHAUSTED!  I'm so LAZY!  I'm just so..... well you decide....

Just prior to Christmas - life took a change... a turn... a FLIP in the road... The world and life we have known for the past 12 years, the life that we have face different trials, challenges and growing pains, but yet we had come very accustomed to.. was about to change again... And I remember thinking 12 years ago when life took on this "curve" in the road, that I honestly didn't know how we would adjust to "this new" change.  But we did. We managed. We learned. We grew.... and we actually ENJOYED it... BUT NOW... life was about to change again... going down yet another turn that we have not been on thus far in life - and I was filled with fear yet excitement at the same time.  Is that possible to have fear and excitement in the same sentence??? let alone the same "feeling"?...

Well, needless to say - I was forced to start looking for another job.  I have worked out of my home for the past 12 years - 2 different jobs - but still - both able to work from my home.  It has been very nice. My two youngest children have known nothing different, and the older three have "known" of mom working out of the home - but I honestly think that they too have become quite attached to the fact that mom has been home for the past 12 years... I know I have.  AND... my Mr. has too.

As I look back on the past 12 years and the "fear - worry - stress" that I had then as we started on that NEW adventure - not knowing what would come of it or if it would even work out - has been such a HUGE blessing to our family.  Isn't it funny how you just never know what life is going to throw your direction, and although what we have been through the last 12 years was not ANYTHING that I thought I was going to be, I can now see that it happened for a reason and that things were the way they were, were that way for many reasons that if someone had told me and shown me that "this is what your next 12 years will hold for you, are you SURE you want to go down this road?" I'm pretty sure I would have stayed on the road that I was traveling.  But, there were stars in my eyes and it felt right so we made the change and I stepped out of the "corporate working world" to start and adventure of our own business.  Although it was fruitful for a couple years - things happened - economy took a plunge at the 9-11 mark and unfortunately marketing was one of the first things that corporations cut back on and that in turn affected our business.... a lot.  We managed to hang on for a couple years but it was soon apparent that we were sinking fast and it was time to make some changes again.  As we were digging our feet in trying to decide which direction to go, my Mr. (then 38 at the time) decided that it would be helpful (NOT!) to have a heart attack.... reflecting back to that day and the emotion, thoughts and stress that were laying in my hands  - I remember being a tad bit angry with him and I threatened him that if he left me with 5 children (ages 11 months to 17 yrs)  to raise ALONE he would be one VERY SORRY MAN!!! (I must have scared him, because he didn't leave me-LUCKY BOY!) :)  LUCKY ME!  LUCKY KIDS!  Well, we made it through that, and his being laid off  and out of work for 3 years,  closing our business, a daughter with Epstein Bar Syndrome,  me finding a new job, TEENAGERS, and I'm sure there were a few other "stresses" in there somewhere....  and then 3 years later, he was involved in a auto accident that left him with a broken neck and later severe head trauma/injury.... so, I have been very blessed to be able to work from home - where I have been here for him and the kids as they have needed.  I've been very blessed and feel VERY blessed.   Shortly after his accident we discovered that our then 11 year old daughter, had a tumor growing down her spine.  It wasn't small by any means - it went from the brain stem all the way down to the tip of her tail bone, and it was compressing at a rapid rate - causing her spine to curve because it had no-where else to grow to.  Within 2 weeks of learning about this she was in the hospital having brain surgery.  I, was fortunate to be able to work from the hospital and keep our family going financially while Mr. held the fort down with the help of the older children.   I know that the turn we took 12 years ago was indeed a "guided" blessing - even though at times I wondered "what in the world" I had done.  If I had stayed in the corporate world, we would have insurance, a secure job, I'm sure I would have moved up in the company.... BUT what I would not have had was the opportunity that I have had the past 12 years to be home with my family 24 hours a day - to be aware of their comings and goings, to see them grow DAILY.  I have been here when they come home from school and need "mom" to talk to - I have been here to comfort them when they have been sick.  I've been here to get them to doctor appointments, dance, singing, sporting events, school events, church events, bake cookies for them when they've had a bad day or when I have had a bad day - or just because I WANT to - I've been here!  I have been home to help with broken hearts, (you know... boy troubles :)... and even crushed hearts from hurtful girl talk...  Do you know just how scary it is to walk away from what you are use to for 12 years?

I have been worried about them - about how they will feel about me - will they think that I've abandoned them? Will they know and understand just how hard this is on me as well?  I feel like I'm letting them down. I felt so torn.  My heart was breaking.... I didn't think that I would ever be able to make one step in the direction I was being forced to take. 

I have had to step up and help be the financial supporter for our family - and I KNOW that this truly breaks my Mr's heart as well.  It is so hard to see him shed tears because he is so frustrated that he is not able to do what he has been taught his whole life to do... our roles have had to switch.  And honestly, I was so worried about loosing the "mother" role with my kids.   It took a lot of prayer and a HUGE leap of faith to step out of the comfort zone and find it in myself to be able to jump back into the corporate world again. 

I applied for several jobs - jumping out on a limb with every "submit" key I would press.  The first interview I went out on was literally KILLING me inside - I just prayed that I would have strength to get through that first interview without bawling!  (It was really hard! I lost it when I got to the car... )  Needless to say - I went back on 3 more interviews and 2 phone interviews with this company - I THOUGHT this was really the job for me. But, they took so long in "making a decision" that I started to question what was really happening. (Plus it was a large cut in pay... that was a BIG concern for me).  I continued to apply for jobs daily  and it wasn't until several weeks later that I FINALLY started hearing back from some of them - I had 4 different interviews in one day - and BOY was that stressful.  In the end - it came down to the first job I had applied for and 4 others that I had been on at least 2 interviews for and 1 job that I REALLY wanted as a 9-1-1 dispatcher - all came through on the same day.... talk about decision time! Well, let me take that back a little, the 9-1-1 dispatcher I had passed 3 tests (that I will say were the most INTENSE tests I have EVER in my life done!) and I just needed to make it passed the final interview which there were 11 people that made it that far for 2 job positions.... and the interview wasn't until the following morning AFTER I was needing to make a decision on the other offers I had been given.  So, with a lot of prayer and talking with my Mr. I made a decision... probably the most "out of my comfort zone" decision I have EVER made!  There were so MANY CONS to this job - but the one PRO was "it just felt right".... CONS - 1) Down town - right smack dab down town....Down town SCARES me! 2) 16th floor - I HATE heights! (I did not want a WINDOW office.  In fact, I didn't want a window at all!)  3) 16th floor meant ELEVATORS (terrified of elevators!... more terrified that I would die in the stair well  because I'm so out of shape - so stairs was not a option to start off either! ) 4) required parking in a parking terrace.... you guessed it if you said TERRIFIED OF PARKING TERRACES! T E R R I F I E D!  5) a very LONG commute (like 1 hour in the morning and 2 hours to get home)  6) Business dress - (I work in my PJ pants! SWEAT PANTS! Heck I could work in my underwear if I wanted! (But I choose not too, but I could)).  7) I would have to do something with my hair - a pony tail just won't cut it any longer 8) GAS~  lots of gas money....

But, I took this offer and I can just say that the last 5 months have been amazing.  Hard but amazing.  I love my job!  I feel like a lot of the people I work with - I have known for a very long time!  They are so good to me.  My family - well they deserve the BIGGEST squeeze!  They have had to step up and go out beyond what they thought that they would ever do too.  Although it has been difficult on all of us - I'm so very VERY thankful for their support.  Of course I would PREFER being home - being a mom and wife that is here for them 24 hours a day - but if this is the life we have to live for now - I'm very thankful that my MR is here and he is here for the kids - even though I KNOW he would prefer switching places with me - he is doing a great job stepping up to the plate of Mr. Mom. Yes, he struggles at times but the girls have been pretty good about taking care of him as well.  Some days are just simply hard. But, I have to keep telling myself - that we are strong. We will survive.  We will because WE ARE FAMILY!  

The only thing I don't think they will be willing to ADJUST on is dad taking over the "Christmas" shenanigans! I'm pretty sure HE draws the line there as well.... SO! With that being said - I guess I better get a STEPPIN' IT UP!  Christmas is JUST AROUND THE CORNER!!! OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!

How are you all doing in the CHRISTMAS department?

I've just spent the last week - rethinking, remaking and rechecking my list...
It is TIME to get my CHRISTMAS on!
Who is in?
Are you ready?
It's gonna be here before we know it!

Back on the saddle it is!
After all... it's just
4 months and 1 week away!!!

OH MY ................