Adjusting... isn't always easy....

Let's just say...

I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THE PAST 5 MONTHS HAVE GONE!

Could I please get them back??? Paaaallllleeeeeeeaaaaassssssseeeeee???

So much has happened on one hand and yet on the other ... NOTHING!

I'm such a slacker!  I'm so EXHAUSTED!  I'm so LAZY!  I'm just so..... well you decide....

Just prior to Christmas - life took a change... a turn... a FLIP in the road... The world and life we have known for the past 12 years, the life that we have face different trials, challenges and growing pains, but yet we had come very accustomed to.. was about to change again... And I remember thinking 12 years ago when life took on this "curve" in the road, that I honestly didn't know how we would adjust to "this new" change.  But we did. We managed. We learned. We grew.... and we actually ENJOYED it... BUT NOW... life was about to change again... going down yet another turn that we have not been on thus far in life - and I was filled with fear yet excitement at the same time.  Is that possible to have fear and excitement in the same sentence??? let alone the same "feeling"?...

Well, needless to say - I was forced to start looking for another job.  I have worked out of my home for the past 12 years - 2 different jobs - but still - both able to work from my home.  It has been very nice. My two youngest children have known nothing different, and the older three have "known" of mom working out of the home - but I honestly think that they too have become quite attached to the fact that mom has been home for the past 12 years... I know I have.  AND... my Mr. has too.

As I look back on the past 12 years and the "fear - worry - stress" that I had then as we started on that NEW adventure - not knowing what would come of it or if it would even work out - has been such a HUGE blessing to our family.  Isn't it funny how you just never know what life is going to throw your direction, and although what we have been through the last 12 years was not ANYTHING that I thought I was going to be, I can now see that it happened for a reason and that things were the way they were, were that way for many reasons that if someone had told me and shown me that "this is what your next 12 years will hold for you, are you SURE you want to go down this road?" I'm pretty sure I would have stayed on the road that I was traveling.  But, there were stars in my eyes and it felt right so we made the change and I stepped out of the "corporate working world" to start and adventure of our own business.  Although it was fruitful for a couple years - things happened - economy took a plunge at the 9-11 mark and unfortunately marketing was one of the first things that corporations cut back on and that in turn affected our business.... a lot.  We managed to hang on for a couple years but it was soon apparent that we were sinking fast and it was time to make some changes again.  As we were digging our feet in trying to decide which direction to go, my Mr. (then 38 at the time) decided that it would be helpful (NOT!) to have a heart attack.... reflecting back to that day and the emotion, thoughts and stress that were laying in my hands  - I remember being a tad bit angry with him and I threatened him that if he left me with 5 children (ages 11 months to 17 yrs)  to raise ALONE he would be one VERY SORRY MAN!!! (I must have scared him, because he didn't leave me-LUCKY BOY!) :)  LUCKY ME!  LUCKY KIDS!  Well, we made it through that, and his being laid off  and out of work for 3 years,  closing our business, a daughter with Epstein Bar Syndrome,  me finding a new job, TEENAGERS, and I'm sure there were a few other "stresses" in there somewhere....  and then 3 years later, he was involved in a auto accident that left him with a broken neck and later severe head trauma/injury.... so, I have been very blessed to be able to work from home - where I have been here for him and the kids as they have needed.  I've been very blessed and feel VERY blessed.   Shortly after his accident we discovered that our then 11 year old daughter, had a tumor growing down her spine.  It wasn't small by any means - it went from the brain stem all the way down to the tip of her tail bone, and it was compressing at a rapid rate - causing her spine to curve because it had no-where else to grow to.  Within 2 weeks of learning about this she was in the hospital having brain surgery.  I, was fortunate to be able to work from the hospital and keep our family going financially while Mr. held the fort down with the help of the older children.   I know that the turn we took 12 years ago was indeed a "guided" blessing - even though at times I wondered "what in the world" I had done.  If I had stayed in the corporate world, we would have insurance, a secure job, I'm sure I would have moved up in the company.... BUT what I would not have had was the opportunity that I have had the past 12 years to be home with my family 24 hours a day - to be aware of their comings and goings, to see them grow DAILY.  I have been here when they come home from school and need "mom" to talk to - I have been here to comfort them when they have been sick.  I've been here to get them to doctor appointments, dance, singing, sporting events, school events, church events, bake cookies for them when they've had a bad day or when I have had a bad day - or just because I WANT to - I've been here!  I have been home to help with broken hearts, (you know... boy troubles :)... and even crushed hearts from hurtful girl talk...  Do you know just how scary it is to walk away from what you are use to for 12 years?

I have been worried about them - about how they will feel about me - will they think that I've abandoned them? Will they know and understand just how hard this is on me as well?  I feel like I'm letting them down. I felt so torn.  My heart was breaking.... I didn't think that I would ever be able to make one step in the direction I was being forced to take. 

I have had to step up and help be the financial supporter for our family - and I KNOW that this truly breaks my Mr's heart as well.  It is so hard to see him shed tears because he is so frustrated that he is not able to do what he has been taught his whole life to do... our roles have had to switch.  And honestly, I was so worried about loosing the "mother" role with my kids.   It took a lot of prayer and a HUGE leap of faith to step out of the comfort zone and find it in myself to be able to jump back into the corporate world again. 

I applied for several jobs - jumping out on a limb with every "submit" key I would press.  The first interview I went out on was literally KILLING me inside - I just prayed that I would have strength to get through that first interview without bawling!  (It was really hard! I lost it when I got to the car... )  Needless to say - I went back on 3 more interviews and 2 phone interviews with this company - I THOUGHT this was really the job for me. But, they took so long in "making a decision" that I started to question what was really happening. (Plus it was a large cut in pay... that was a BIG concern for me).  I continued to apply for jobs daily  and it wasn't until several weeks later that I FINALLY started hearing back from some of them - I had 4 different interviews in one day - and BOY was that stressful.  In the end - it came down to the first job I had applied for and 4 others that I had been on at least 2 interviews for and 1 job that I REALLY wanted as a 9-1-1 dispatcher - all came through on the same day.... talk about decision time! Well, let me take that back a little, the 9-1-1 dispatcher I had passed 3 tests (that I will say were the most INTENSE tests I have EVER in my life done!) and I just needed to make it passed the final interview which there were 11 people that made it that far for 2 job positions.... and the interview wasn't until the following morning AFTER I was needing to make a decision on the other offers I had been given.  So, with a lot of prayer and talking with my Mr. I made a decision... probably the most "out of my comfort zone" decision I have EVER made!  There were so MANY CONS to this job - but the one PRO was "it just felt right".... CONS - 1) Down town - right smack dab down town....Down town SCARES me! 2) 16th floor - I HATE heights! (I did not want a WINDOW office.  In fact, I didn't want a window at all!)  3) 16th floor meant ELEVATORS (terrified of elevators!... more terrified that I would die in the stair well  because I'm so out of shape - so stairs was not a option to start off either! ) 4) required parking in a parking terrace.... you guessed it if you said TERRIFIED OF PARKING TERRACES! T E R R I F I E D!  5) a very LONG commute (like 1 hour in the morning and 2 hours to get home)  6) Business dress - (I work in my PJ pants! SWEAT PANTS! Heck I could work in my underwear if I wanted! (But I choose not too, but I could)).  7) I would have to do something with my hair - a pony tail just won't cut it any longer 8) GAS~  lots of gas money....

But, I took this offer and I can just say that the last 5 months have been amazing.  Hard but amazing.  I love my job!  I feel like a lot of the people I work with - I have known for a very long time!  They are so good to me.  My family - well they deserve the BIGGEST squeeze!  They have had to step up and go out beyond what they thought that they would ever do too.  Although it has been difficult on all of us - I'm so very VERY thankful for their support.  Of course I would PREFER being home - being a mom and wife that is here for them 24 hours a day - but if this is the life we have to live for now - I'm very thankful that my MR is here and he is here for the kids - even though I KNOW he would prefer switching places with me - he is doing a great job stepping up to the plate of Mr. Mom. Yes, he struggles at times but the girls have been pretty good about taking care of him as well.  Some days are just simply hard. But, I have to keep telling myself - that we are strong. We will survive.  We will because WE ARE FAMILY!  

The only thing I don't think they will be willing to ADJUST on is dad taking over the "Christmas" shenanigans! I'm pretty sure HE draws the line there as well.... SO! With that being said - I guess I better get a STEPPIN' IT UP!  Christmas is JUST AROUND THE CORNER!!! OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!

How are you all doing in the CHRISTMAS department?

I've just spent the last week - rethinking, remaking and rechecking my list...
It is TIME to get my CHRISTMAS on!
Who is in?
Are you ready?
It's gonna be here before we know it!

Back on the saddle it is!
After all... it's just
4 months and 1 week away!!!

OH MY ................